20 days and anxiety is setting in...

So it is exactly 20 days until I leave the country and 13 days until I leave Denver. As my typical pre-planning, OCD, overly-organized self I optimistically thought I had everything worked out. FALSE...with only a few days until I am supposed to leave for India everything starts to go haywire. My subletter cancels on me (leaving me with $985 in rent per month), my insurance won't cover my malaria medication (correction, they will give me one month at a time, what good will that do me halfway across the world), my dad is not talking to me (because he is mad at me and worried for my safety), and I now have sporadic anxiety attacks...awesome.


I guess everything was falling into place too perfectly if there was such a thing. You know the feeling: it's just like that relationship you've been in where everything is going swimmingly and you start to think to yourself that there has to be something wrong with the person you are dating - ie they are still with an ex, they have 8 children you don't know about, or even worse they are on the lamb for murder...(okay I have gotten carried away with myself but you know the feeling). Well that is exactly how I felt about India. So let's see...before I even found out I was going I a. became a vegetarian (just to see what it was like), b. did spring cleaning in December (because I felt like my apartment was closing in on me), c. my bike was stolen (I don't own a car so you can see my frustration). But once I found out I was leaving, it all made sense. I was supposed to get my belly ready for India, I needed to start getting rid of items that would be of no use to me in India, and I didn't need transportation because I was meant to go to India. They may seem like small signs to you but to me I knew Fate had a bigger plan in mind. So after all those and many other weird and highly questionable things falling into place something had to go wrong.


So now, 20 days until I leave I need to put on my game-face and get things straighten out. I have a plan for it all, minus the anxiety attacks but I feel like those are to be expected and will go away once everything else gets straightened out. In addition to my plan I feel like I need to start listening to myself more and others less. It is not that I am surrounded by negative, doubtful, or discouraging people, but they are voicing their concerns more than their support. I really do understand and value their concerns but at this point I need advice, help, and support. I can honestly say there are maybe 3 people in my life right now that truly believe in and support me.


After talking to one of those people today, or rather talking at, I felt like I just vented while he listened, he gave me the following words, "A hard lesson for me has been learning what I can control and what I can't. Once you realize the latter it's actually kind of scary how little impact you have. I have faith and confidence in you that you'll do great. Not just fine (which is a word I've come to despise), but great. Believe in yourself and your skill-sets. Your decision to do this made so much sense to me when you explained what you'd be doing. I think it's a great opportunity and is very well suited for your personality."


Those words calmed my head and my heart. Even though I still am anxious and scared, I know what I am doing is going to be amazing.

25 days...

25 days to go and I have been trying to prepare myself for the culture shock, I know that can never really happen. But I am happy living in my own little naive world thinking that it can happen. I have been watching documentaries, checking out library books and spending countless hours online trying to find out what exactly to expect. I want to think I am prepared, but the actuality of living in an orphanage for the next 6 months, with girls who have either been abandoned, neglected, or widowed, means I will encounter something new everyday. It will be hard, it will test me, but I know that I will be doing good everyday and that I will not only help the girls but they will help me. Having such an A-type, OCD, perfectionist personality I need to know everything that will be going on. I know Molly's perfect world doesn't exist everywhere. However, I am hoping to bring a bit of my perfect world to the girls and I can't wait to meet them and see what this adventure has in store for me.